Is communicating effectively fundamental to a good Christian marriage?

The third recommendation by our panel of six hundred represents another basic ingredient of good marriages. Like the other two, it begins with the letter C – good communication between husbands and wives. This topic has been beaten to death by writers of marriage books, but I would like to offer some less-overworked thoughts on marital communication that might be useful to young married couples.

A Classic Struggle

First, it must be understood that males and females differ in yet another way not mentioned earlier. Research makes it clear that most little girls are blessed with greater linguistic ability than most little boys, and it remains a lifelong talent. Simply stated, she talks more than he does. As an adult, she typically expresses her feelings and thoughts far better than her husband and is often irritated by his reticence. God may have given her 50,000 words per day and her husband only 25,000. He comes home with 24,975 used up and merely grunts his way through the evening. He may descend into Monday night football, while his wife is dying to expend her remaining 25,000 words. A female columnist commenting on this male tendency even proposed that an ordinance be passed stating that a man who watches 168,000 football games in a single season be declared legally dead. (All in favor say “Aye.”)

The complexity of the human personality guarantees exceptions to every generalization. Yet any knowledgeable marriage counselor knows that the inability or unwillingness of husbands to reveal their feelings to their wives is one of the common complaints of women. It can almost be stated as an absolute: Show me a quiet, reserved husband, and I’ll show you a frustrated wife. She wants to know what he’s thinking, what happened at the office or jobsite, how he views the children, and especially, how he feels about her. The husband, by contrast, finds some things better left unsaid. It is a classic struggle.

The paradox is that a highly emotional, verbal woman is sometimes drawn to the strong, silent type. He seemed so secure and “in control” before they were married. She admired his unflappable nature and his coolness in a crisis. Then they were married, and the flip side of his great strength became obvious. He wouldn’t talk! So for the next forty years, she gnashed her teeth because her husband couldn’t give what she needed from him. It just wasn’t in him.

What Is The Solution?

What is the solution to such communicative problems? As always, it involves compromise. A man has a clear responsibility to “cheer up his wife which he hath taken” (Deuteronomy 24:5). He must not claim himself “a rock” who will never allow himself to be vulnerable again. He must press himself to open his heart and share his deeper feelings with his wife. Time must be reserved for meaningful conversations. Taking walks, going out to breakfast, or riding bicycles on a Saturday morning are fresh opportunities for conversation that can help keep love alive. Communication can occur even in families where the husband leans inward and the wife leans outward. In these instances, I believe that the primary responsibility for compromise lies with the husband.

Some women, however, are married to men who will never be able to fully express themselves or understand the feminine needs I have described. Their emotional structure makes it impossible for them to comprehend the feelings and frustrations of another – particularly those occurring in the opposite sex. These men will not read a book such as this and would probably resent it if they did. They have never been required to “give” and have no idea how it is done. What, then, is to be the reaction of their wives? What would you do if your husband lacked the insight to be what you need him to be?

My advice is that you change that which can be altered, explain that which can be understood, teach that which can be learned, revise that which can be improved, resolve that which can be settled, and negotiate that which is open to compromise. Create the best marriage possible from the raw materials brought by two imperfect human beings with two distinctly unique personalities. But for all the rough edges that can never be smoothed and the faults that can never be eradicated, try to develop the best possible perspective and determine in your mind to accept reality exactly as it is. The first principle of mental health is to accept that which cannot be changed. You could easily go to pieces over adverse circumstances that are beyond your control. You can will to hang tough, or you can yield to cowardice. Depression is often evidence of emotional surrender.

Someone wrote:

Life can’t give me joy and peace,
it’s up to me to will it.
Life just gives me time and space,
it’s up to me to fill it.

Accepting The Things You Cannot Change

Can you accept the fact that your husband will never be able to meet all your needs and aspirations? Seldom does one human being satisfy every longing and hope in another. Obviously, this coin as two sides: You can’t be his perfect woman either. He is no more equipped to resolve your entire package of emotional needs than you are to become his sexual dream machine every twenty-four hours. Both partners have to settle for human foibles and faults and irritability and fatigue and occasional nighttime “headaches.” A good marriage is not one in which perfection reigns; it is a relationship in which a healthy perspective overlooks a multitude of unresolvables. Thank goodness my wife, Shirley, has adopted this attitude toward me!

I am especially concerned about the mother of small children who chooses to stay at home as a full-time homemaker. If she looks to her husband as the provider of all adult conversation and the satisfier of every emotional need, their marriage could quickly run aground. He returns home from work at night somewhat depleted and in need of tranquility, as we discussed earlier. Instead of tranquility, he finds a woman who is continually starved for attention and support. When she sees in his eyes that he has nothing left to give, she becomes either depressed or angry (or both), and he has no idea how he can help her.

I understand this feminine need and have attempted to articulate it to men. Nevertheless, a woman’s total dependence on a man places too much pressure on the marital relationship. It sometimes cracks under the strain. What can be done, then? A woman with a normal range of emotional needs cannot simply ignore her needs – they scream for fulfillment.

I have long recommended that women in this situation seek to supplement what their husbands can give by cultivating meaningful female relationships. Having girlfriends with whom they can talk heart to heart, study the Scriptures, and share childcare techniques can be vital to mental health. Without this additional support, loneliness and low self-esteem can build and begin to choke the marriage to death.

Sadly, this is not always easy to implement. In recent years we’ve witnessed a breakdown in relationships between women. A hundred years ago, wives and mothers did not have to seek female friendship. It was programmed into the culture. Women canned food together, washed clothes at the creek together, and cooperated in church charity work together. When babies were born, the new mother was visited by aunts, sisters, neighbors, and churchwomen who came to help her diaper, feed, and care for the child. An automatic support system surrounded women and made life easier. Its absence translates quickly into marital conflict and can lead to divorce.

To the young wives who are reading these words, I urge you not to let this happen to you. Invest time in your female friends – even though you are busy. Resist the temptation to pull into the walls of your home and wait for your husband to be all things to you. Stay involved as a family in a church that meets your needs and preaches the Word. Remember that you are surrounded by many other women with similar feelings. Find them. Care for them. Give to them. And in the process, your own self-esteem will rise. Then when you are content, your marriage will flourish. It sounds simplistic, but that is the way we were designed by an infinitely wise and loving God.