Research Shows The Reality of the Crazy Cycle
Does a husband react to criticism more than a wife does? And, if a wife becomes contemptuous, is this an emotional killer?
John Gottman, a professor at the University of Washington, reveals significant male and female differences in marriage. Not only do husbands react more to criticism, a wife can escalate that to contempt with devastating consequences..
Gottman writes in the book Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, “… a man s blood pressure and heart rate will rise much higher and will stay elevated longer than his wife (p.146)… men are far more likely than women to be stonewallers (85%)… when tension builds… We have found repeatedly that men get flooded far faster during tense marital exchange than do their wives. In fact, it often takes only the arrival of… criticism… to flood men. (p. 147)… Men avoid emotional conflicts by going off by themselves…If you ask a male stonewaller to describe his state of mind, he often says, ’I am trying not to react.’ He feels like he s idling in neutral even though his wife perceives his silence as an act of hostility (p.148)… Because men are so vulnerable to feeling flooded, a wife’s criticism can easily cause the husband to withdraw. The wife is then likely to interpret his response as a rejection of her because she doesn’t realize that he’s feeling flooded. She couldn’t imagine needing to withdraw over such a minor criticism… (p.151)… Such interactions can produce a vicious cycle, especially in marriages with high levels of conflict. The more wives complain and criticize, the more husbands withdraw and stonewall; the more husbands withdraw and stonewall, the more wives complain and criticize. This cycle must be broken if … marriages are to avoid dissolution… if the wife becomes belligerent and contemptuous, the husband is likely to withdraw even more…” (p.152).
A wife’s belligerent and contemptuous approach proves fruitless. This approach can actually be a major contributor to the collapse of the marriage.
Remember the Crazy Cycle? (See http://www.loveandrespect.com/Main/learningnew_index.asp)
The Crazy Cycle says, “Without Love a Wife Reacts Without Respect, and Without Respect a Husband Reacts Without Love.”
The message the wife is trying to send in her negative reaction (criticism/contempt) is, “I don’t feel loved by you right now.” The message the husband hears is, “I don t respect you, buster, unless you change immediately.”
Things get crazy because this feeds itself. Her disrespect feeds his lack of love. His unloving reactions feed her disrespect. Round and round it goes.
The good news is that this cycle can be broken. The Love and Respect Message provides the insights and tools to halt the spinning. For example, we coach a husband to express, “That felt disrespectful, did I just come across as unloving?” Or, a wife to say, “That felt unloving, did I just come acorss as disrespectful?” This kind of comment causes a pause to the craziness. This kind of language allows each to communicate his/her deepest feelings but come across to a spouse in a way that makes that spouse feel understood. There are risks in making such statements, but practical ideas are provided to minimize those “dangers.” The positive impact can be extraordinary.
RECOMMENDED RESOURCES:on this website at the e-store the book Love and Respect (The Love She Most Desires / The Respect He Desperately Needs) goes in depth on this topic. This is a book for men and women.
Love and Respect Ministries Inc. Copyright 2006 Rev. Emerson Eggerichs Ph.D.
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